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Eat Me! A Guide to Cannibalism and the Sentient Savories of the Flanaess
Posted on Wed, April 26, 2006 by Dongul
gvdammerung writes "Move over Emeril. Bite this Nigella. Its time to dine in the Flanaess. And your host is the ultimate Iron Chef. Its Iuz! And wait until you see what the Old One is cooking! What do you mean you’ve lost your appetite? You have it all wrong. You’re not being invited to dinner. You are dinner! BAM!

Eat Me - A Guide to Cannibalism and Sentient Savories of the Flanaess
By: Glenn Vincent Dammerung, aka GVDammerung
Posted with permission. Do not repost without obtaining prior permission from the author.

[The following text is held in the Black Vault of the Great Library in the City of Greyhawk. It was recovered in the retaking of Critwall in 588 CY. The authorship, as well as the existence of any other copies, is unknown. The truth of the text is unverified for what should be obvious reasons. For similar reasons, to say nothing of propriety, certain precise details have been redacted.]

An orc never starves. It is simply a truism. Humans starve. They breed almost as readily as orcs but are regularly unable to feed their burgeoning numbers. Orcs never have this problem and must be accounted superior on at least this account.

An orc will eat another orc. It is not a preferred diet but an orc will not scruple if hungry. Humans are much more fastidious and will, with scant exceptions, refuse a ready food supply, preferring to die in the thousands than to eat the food at hand. In this way, they are much like lemmings - all rushing to their deaths oblivious to the possibility of salvation if they would only alter their course.

The commonly believed inedible is, in fact, often edible. If the truth be known, the inedible is often not merely edible but quite tasty, even delicious, if properly prepared. Among the gourmets of the Flanaess, the Lord Iuz is perhaps preeminent, certainly when he chooses to be. His kitchens and cook fires overflow with a variety of savories little sampled elsewhere. It is from His overflowing tables that all gourmets may learn.

Humanoids -

Humanoid meat is among the most flavorful. Properly cleaned and dressed, orcs, goblins and hobgoblins all make for a fine repast.

Orcs: Orcs are the most plentiful of the humanoid races and their meat is the most pleasing, much as is said of cattle. Given to poor hygiene while alive, the slaughtered orc must be throughly cleaned and rinsed. Soaking in a brine or a vinegar solution is recommended thereafter to remove any lingering gamy flavor and then rinsed again. Once so prepared, there is no limit to the manner in which orc flesh can be prepared, the taste of which is much like a spicy beef and of similar consistency.

The Lord Iuz’ Recipe: The Lord Iuz prefers that his orcs be about the business of furthering his various ends. When he chooses to dine upon them, however, he likes them basted in a pepper sauce. The basting occurs after the orc has been cleaned but while the orc is still living. The orc is placed a cauldron over a medium fire and submerged in pepper sauce until it expires, its burning and sputtering death throes serving to whet the appetite.

Goblins: A goblin is hardly a meal. You can never eat just one. Small stature accounts for this but they are also delicious, particularly roasted, which brings out the natural flavor of the meat. Like an orc, a goblin must be cleaned and rinsed. However, a goblin need not be soaked for such would lessen the natural taste. Rather, a spice rub is recommended to compliment and enhance the natural flavor, while sealing in the natural juices. Goblin has a rangy or tangy flavor that can be accentuated to taste.

The Lord Iuz’ Recipe - The Lord Iuz prefers his goblins as appetizers, medium rare, and prepared in the traditional way - roast with a light spice rub. He, however, values freshness. The Lord Iuz and his favored guests should be provided with skewers with which to impale and roast their goblin appetizers. Properly prepared goblins should then be brought forth. The skewers provided should be barbed so that the writhing of the impaled goblins do not dislodge them from the skewer and drop them into the fire. The Lord Iuz does not care for blackened or seared goblin.

Hobgoblins: There is a lot of good eating on a hobgoblin. That they are not eaten more often is a tribute to their military utility. All the same, hobgoblin may be prepared on special occasions or when a lesson needs to be administered to the rank and file. Tasting much like pork, albeit tougher by half and with something of the accent of wild boar, hobgoblin is best served stuffed and baked until the meat comes away almost easily from the bone. To hold the meat together, the hobgoblin should be properly trussed with a fine rope.

The Lord Iuz’ Recipe - The Lord Iuz rarely dines on hobgoblin, preferring them to be off fetching him a tasty elf or human, but is an ultra traditionalist when he does dine on “hoch jebline.” The hobgoblin must be baked with the skin still on until it is crispy. If at all possible, the trussed hobgoblin should be bound at table so that its quality may be observed, and placed into an oven within the dining hall proper, or immediately adjacent, such that the smell and screams of the roasting meat will herald the repast.

Humans -

Much is said of human meat that is simply not true. Humans do not taste like chicken. Neither do they taste like pig. Their taste is neutral, almost flavorless, but with a near infinite capacity to take on flavor, depending on how they are prepared. The best meat is firm and tender, coming from the hindquarters and lower extremities. If to be prepared fresh, before cooking, the human must be properly cleaned and prepared as humans have a tendency to otherwise foul themselves before they expire during the cooking process.

Cooked in Their Own Blood: Whether braised, broiled, roast or boiled, the human tastes best when cooked in its own blood. When so prepared, the method of preparation will then determine the taste. The entrails, always thoroughly cleaned, may be left within the carcass for further enhancement of the taste, or removed. Select organs - heart, brain, tongue, liver, spleen - may be removed and cooked separately as speciality dishes.

Sausage and Ground: Humans make fantastic sausage. Ground up and flavored with herbs, select entrails or other meats, human “hackfleish” may be devoured with relish. Properly prepared from a single individual, such sausage is not entirely immune from being raised, although the process inevitably fails. In the interim, the sausages literally twitch with life and a springy taste or texture. Ground, human meat forms a fantastic filler for any number of other dishes, particularly meat pies.

Smoked and Jerked: Because of the neutral taste of the flesh, human meats may be smoked to advantage. Mesquite and hickory are recommended woods with pine an unusual alternative and definitely an acquired taste. Smoking is, of course, recommended for longer term preservation. Jerky may also be an alternative. Indeed, many is the army that chews such jerky on the march. It is portable, nutritious and delicious.

Aligned: Among the rarest of preparations, human meat may be prepared based upon the alignment or ethos of the individual being served at table. Certain very rare spices and herbs will bring forth some essence of the alignment or ethos of the individual as a recognizable and highly distinct flavor. Extreme care is necessary not to ruin the dish, however, for these flavors are very delicate, even as they are piquant. Never overcook the human. The wrong combination or proportion of spices and herbs must also be avoided lest the meat be rendered poisonous. Aligned cooking is the purview of the master chef.

The Lord Iuz’ Recipes - Naturally, the Lord Iuz is a connoisseur of humanity and savors it in all its variety.

Cooked in its own blood, the Lord Iuz prefers that the human, still alive of course, be first shaved and then gilt in a gold paste so that no juice escapes. The human will plump in its own juices as it cooks. The meat is done when the gilt cracks and the juices flow.

Human sausage is a favorite of the Lord Iuz. Blood sausage to be precise. The human is fed into a grinder before the assembled dinner guests, and the meat is then formed and seasoned before being pan seared and served to the assemblage. Not only delicious, this method of preparation is particularly entertaining as well.

Occasionally, the Lord Iuz will choose to smoke a human. The individual is placed in a smoker, typically of glassteel, and asphyxiated over a banked heat. The heat must be carefully watched to induce a strong sweat before asphyxiation to better flavor the meat.

Aligned cookery is a particular speciality by the Lord Iuz. He has demonstrated his mastery of the gastronomic arts by adapting the traditional preparations to better suit His refined tastes. The Lord Iuz prefers to bring out the flavor in the meat induced by fear and extreme terror. The cooking must then accommodate a fully conscious individual, capable of comprehending the preparations. A slow heat is the only possibility. The exact preparations are a family secret, handed down from the Lord Iuz’ father.

Demi-Humans -

Halflings, gnomes, dwarves and elves provide the finest meats available in the Flanaess without a question. Each is a unique taste sensation. Each must also be uniquely prepared if the finest dining experience is to be had.

Halflings: Small plump humans. Almost as good as a fat human child. Better when you consider the toes when braised. Not to forget the knuckles. While the toes and knuckles of a halfling are the delicacies, the entire halfling may be braised to best effect. It is, however, advisable to cut off the head for the eyes have a glassy stare that is unsettling and halfling brains tend to run, which can ruin the dish. Scooped out and replaced with a cauliflower, the head can yet provide a flavorful side dish.

The Lord Iuz’ Recipe - The Lord Iuz detests cooked halfling. He prefers to eat them raw, perhaps with a sauce for dipping. Or sodden, the halfling having been given much to drink beforehand. Certainly, this is an acquired taste but it demonstrates the Lord Iuz’ educated palate. Beware. The Lord Iuz will grow wroth at any suggestion that his method of preparing a halfling repast in any way resembles that of The Whispered One.

Gnomes: Gnomes are tough. If a gnome is merely chewy or worse, it has gone bad and should be discarded and another obtained. Like goblins, gnomes are best roasted. Unlike goblins, gnomes need not be cleaned and prepared. Indeed, the unfortunate tendency for live specimens to foul themself during cooking is in the gnome a virtue. Befouled gnome is self-seasoning, and the meat is rendered tender enough to pull away from the bone with the teeth. The flavor is hot and spicy. A cool beverage is a necessary compliment to roast gnome. Black Frost beer or ale is ideal.

The Lord Iuz’ Recipe - The Lord Iuz, if the truth be told, has an over fondness for roasted gnomes and can often be found idly pulling the arms or legs off one or sucking the cleaned bones. The Lord Iuz does not, however, care for much more than the arms and legs. At table, these couped and debouched leavings make for interesting conversation pieces but are otherwise a noisome and sticky clutter in the Royal Presence. They also cause him gas.

Dwarves: Dwarves are truly almost inedible. The only civilized manner in which they may be made into a repast is in soup or stew. Even so, the meat is unpleasantly rubbery unless particular minerals are added to the soup that act as tenderizers. Many still find the resulting broth unpalatable. Probably because it is poisonous to most races within a half hour after ingestion. This, of course, poses no difficulty if an antidote is close at hand, perhaps in the drink, or at least some of the drinks.

The Lord Iuz’ Recipe - The Lord Iuz likes his dwarves boiled alive, much like a lobster, and made into a similar bisque. This manner of preparation has the added benefit of being performed at table for the amusement of the Host and His guests. Care must be taken, however, not to boil the dwarf in too much water, lest the dwarf drown before being properly boiled. Remember. Most dwarves cannot swim.

Elves: There is no more epicurean delight than the elf. Few in number in the wild. Difficult, even dangerous, to hunt or trap. And with an elegant, almost intoxicating, flavor, redolent of minted lamb and aged cheese. Elves are best served cold, even aged, perhaps with a floral white wine. Diners must take their time to savor the elven flesh. To hurry an elven meal is unthinkable. This is a race that stands almost outside time and to be done justice, they must be consumed in much the same way. Elven flesh is unique in having, much like wine, both a bouquet and a finish to be savored along with the taste. Also like some wines, older, more ancient elves also taste better. Young elves tend to be stringy.

The Lord Iuz’ Recipe - The Lord Iuz is more particular about the elves served to him than any other dish. The elf must be at least an adult in years, preferably older. The elf must be chilled, not nearly frozen to death but with the pallor of death on its immortal features. The Lord Iuz and his guests must be presented with the most delicately crafted, virgin silver carving blades with which to slice off slivers of the still living elven flesh. While too late if an error has been made, a properely chilled elf will not feel anything as his flesh is sliced off and consumed. Only at the very end will an awareness of death and horror rise to the elfs features, providing the diners with a memorable conclusion to their dining experience.

These then are the principle savories among the common sentient meats of the Flanaess. Lesser meats there are but such are almost universally disdained. No one, except in extremis, would eat a gnoll. Too greasy. Kobolds have a spoiled taste that too easily induces wretching, save among those with the strongest of stomachs. Lizardmen and their like are unfit for consumption except by others of their kind. Not even an orc will consume one. When a orc will turn up its nose at a meal, you may rest assured you do not wish to partake in his place.

Next, we shall speak of the cellarations, beverages, potations and other potables that are best served to table with a fine repast.

[Here the manuscript abruptly ends, appearing unfinished.]"
 
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Re: Eat Me! A Guide to Cannibalism and the Sentient Savories of the Flanaess (Score: 1)
by mortellan on Wed, April 26, 2006
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Wow.



Re: Eat Me! A Guide to Cannibalism and the Sentient Savories of the Flanaess (Score: 1)
by GVDammerung on Thu, April 27, 2006
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;-D


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Re: Eat Me! A Guide to Cannibalism and the Sentient Savories of the Flanaess (Score: 1)
by Serolf on Wed, April 26, 2006
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That was a fun reading !!!

My players will definitely find a copy of this in the Dorakaa jails during their "City of Skulls" adventure ....

As always GVD it is a delight to eat .... er ... read your post !



Re: Eat Me! A Guide to Cannibalism and the Sentient Savories of the Flanaess (Score: 1)
by GVDammerung on Thu, April 27, 2006
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Thanks! :)  This was fun to write, trying to tread the line between horror and humor.


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Re: Eat Me! A Guide to Cannibalism and the Sentient Savories of the Flanaess (Score: 1)
by CruelSummerLord on Thu, April 27, 2006
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Hilarious.  Warped, disgusting and disturbing, but hilarious. 



Re: Eat Me! A Guide to Cannibalism and the Sentient Savories of the Flanaess (Score: 1)
by Crag on Thu, April 27, 2006
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Well done, most see the lord of pain as simply a thug.

I have always imagined Iuz as more of a pretentious social climber trying to hide his insecurities with meglomania. 

A sick twisted sadist for sure but one with style and flair; which this article shows nicely.



Re: Eat Me! A Guide to Cannibalism and the Sentient Savories of the Flanaess (Score: 1)
by Wykthor on Fri, April 28, 2006
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Disturbingly creative, GVD. Love it :-D



Re: Eat Me! A Guide to Cannibalism and the Sentient Savories of the Flanaess (Score: 1)
by Scottenkainen on Fri, April 28, 2006
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Oh...I couldn't finish reading it; too gross for me (and what would my girlfriend think of this hobby if she read this??).  I could see this being a useful handout to players while being tortured by bad guys, though...




Re: Eat Me! A Guide to Cannibalism and the Sentient Savories of the Flanaess (Score: 1)
by Wolfsire on Mon, May 01, 2006
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My wife rarely asks what I am reading, but she did this time and just shook her head.  What is grosser than gross was that I started to get hungry while I was reading it.  Great job!


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