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Re: Mandros and the Rise and Fall of Oeridian Power in the Sheldomar (Score: 1)
by mtg (mtizoc@canonfire.com) on Wed, September 07, 2005
(User Info | Send a Message) | Hey Sam. I reviewed the section and think I was noticing the series of tense shifts and a few typographical omissions.
Specific points follow--all pertaining to the Luschan I and Sterich section.
Paragraph one, sentence two: a "the" appears missing after "Neither had"
Paragraph two, sentence three: word(s) appear missing b/w "during edged" or perhaps "during" may be deleted?
In that same sentence, I think there is a tense problem with this phrase, "as the older Keogh nobles make it clear that they won’t stand by and let their kinsmen be attacked, no matter what provocation they might be giving." Given the past tense of the initial clause, consider changing "make" to "made" and "might be giving" to "might have given."
Paragraph three, sentence four: consider refreshing the nouns. "They" and "they" seem too often used. "Once they had settled in though, they quickly found their power dissipating, as their people, outnumbered by the native Flan, began to integrate into their culture rather than retaining their own."
Consider naming the group "new settlers," "new Javan County nobles," etc. instead of the first "they." For the penultimate "their" consider changing it to ""the native" or "the indigenous Flan" etc.
Okay, those are the ones that seem to stand out. Again, big props for a great series. I can't wait to read all of them and then to review Kirt's new Oerth Journal article. Then I'll probably revise my old "Neheli's Own" series of posts--probably changing the old order's allegiance from House Neheli to House Rhola. |
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